I've been a mom of 4 for the last year and half now and it has been breathtaking and exhausting, and terrifying all at the same time. I have so many lessons I've learned and growth I've experienced, who knew that God really does refine us in the spilled milk, and the lost shoe, and the teething nights. I can't say that I've enjoyed every minute, unfortunately, no matter how much I wish that I could. I've cried so many tears. Filtered so many thoughts. Wrestled with so many emotions. But the great thing about a really challenging journey (that I'm most definitely still very much in the beginning of), is that you can teach others all the stupid mistakes you made! The ONE thing I have to work the hardest at ridding myself of, day after day, is CONTROL.
Wait, wait wait. You're the parent. You're supposed to be the one in control. Come on now.
Oh I am. But sometimes, I can't be. If I want thoughtful, decision making, thinker kids, I can't always be in control.
And I'm sick of being ashamed of it.
I'm sick of loving my kids with respect and honor but then having this nagging feeling inside that screams at me, "YOURE THE PARENT! LAY DOWN THE LAW!"
Again, oh I do.
But sometimes, I don't.
So here's a list of the top 5 things I do have control over at this point, and the top 5 things I have no more control over, and don't want control over. Enjoy!
Things I have control over:
1. My commitments
I learned the very hard way that there will always be people I have to say No to. But I work very hard at making sure it's not always my kids who get the No.
2. My attention
I don't actually need the daily update on every single friends life, dating all the way back to high school. Nor do I need to know their thoughts and opinions on everything under the sun. But you know who's thoughts and opinions I love to hear (and get to actually influence, like for real for real?) my kids! And they have SO many of them! If I pay attention, i can actually see a beautiful picture of where their heart is headed, and what's behind all the whining and frustration!
3. My anger
I almost didn't put this one cause I'm not an expert by any means. But I do whole-heartedly believe that I can in fact control my anger when I'm angry in front of my children. Granted, it requires SO much energy, but sending them to their room to wait while I cool off ALWAYS works out better for our connection in the long run! Maybe that cooling off looks like tears, punching pillows, and silent screaming, that's ok. Just don't do it in her 3 year old precious little face.
4. My money
Look, kids are expensive. And they want... Everything. But I have control over that. I get to teach them valuable lessons about saving, and waiting until birthdays that are coming a week later, and celebrating other people when they get stuff and you don't. It's hard. I want to buy them everything and take them everywhere. But I also want to pay my mortgage on time. It's quite the struggle. Yes, my kids do look a little basic sometimes, but it's fine because when I pay their college tuition they'll thank me then for those PB&J sandwiches and used (but very cute) kids clothes that they don't have to eat and wear as adults.
5. S.O.S
The last area in my life that I have control over is my ability to ask (pay) for help. I come from a long line of polish warrior women and Puerto Rican boss ladies. So there's a chance it's in my blood that I need to get it together and get it all done. Weeell, I just can't. There is no realistic way to have it all and get it all done. That's a lie from Satan and i rebuke that demon little lie (insert me sticking out my tongue and crossing my arms in defiance). No, it's just not possible. Remember when we were kids and eating out was like a treat? Nah. Not here. And remember Saturdays how our moms took over the whole house and deep cleaned every inch? Cool story bro. I hired a cleaning company to clean my house every other week cause I don't mop or sweep or dust. Don't get me wrong, I used to. Back when I wasn't a mom of 4, co- running a ministry, mentoring young folks, while loving my friends, and hanging out with my family, AND trying to work on dreams and goals of my own! Now, I ask (pay) for help. If Popeyes wants to make the chicken and we make the Mac and cheese, deal! And the beautiful awesome cleaning crew wants to scrub my shower for me?? Why in the world would I say no. And here's the thing, we ain't big time. We BUDGET. We make space for the sanity of our hearts.
I think the biggest struggle to realizing that I actually could control those things was SHAME. Sometimes the thoughts of others weighs in me so heavily, but I have to shake that off and do what's right for US. that's ok mom's. If your kids gotta sleep in your bed for a few years so that you can sleep more than 2 hours. Do what's right for your family. I have given myself permission to what's best for us.
Ok, so now for the things I can't control and have stopped trying to control to some degree or another (or completely):
1. How much my kids eat
I used to have a little portion chart for my kids and I would make sure they ate everything they were served so that they would be full until the next snack, 2 hours later.
Then Josie came along.
She broke all the molds.
As a matter of fact, this whole list is probably because of her. More on that another time.
When Josie was born she didn't eat like babies were supposed to eat. She wanted to drink milk every single hour during waking hours and then sleep 12 hours straight at night. What the...?!
All of my kids have odd eating habits, not just preferences either, I mean when they eat and how much. Annabelle and Emmie aren't hungry in the morning but they are ferocious at night. Benji eats 3 meals a day. Snacks if someone gives it to him, and it's worth the hassle. But all the books I read said this thing right here..... Guess what? As it turns out, kids.. this is gonna blow your mind, it blew mine, they actually eat...when they're hungry!
What?!?!
Yup.
Wait, are you saying that it's ok to let my kids just eat when they're hungry??
Yup.
Now, there is some exceptions but in the last 10 years I have found that if you keep to a healthy (notice I didn't say normal) schedule, they adjust back after that weird 12am banana season that lasts 3 weeks.
I've given up food schedules. The only meal we all eat together is dinner.
2. When my kid sleeps
Ugh, this is like the battle of the millennia.
Go to bed!! Close your eyes!! Stop talking!! Just lay on your pillow!! (Fan off.) Don't take off the blanket!! No I don't want to sing!! No I don't want to tell you another story!! (Fan on.) Just lay down!! Lay down. Lay down. Lay down. LAAAYY DOOOWWWN!!!!!!!!!!!! Crying. aaand then sleeping.
This was my life for years. I'm a slow learner guys, don't judge.
I genuinely thought that if kids don't do what they're supposed to do (there's that supposed to word again), then something was wrong with them and me.
I am finding that kids that sleep the best are
1. Well fed with good healthy nutrition
2. Stimulated all day with play
3. They go outside at least 2x a day
4. Learn something new and challenging
Cool story. But who had time to do that everyday??? With 4 kids, who are all different ages and stages???
Not me.
So instead of feeling like loser mom or turning into monster mom, I have decided that patient mom is the way to go. I just let them roll around and tell their stories and kiss me a million times. Sometimes my son reveals deep heart things and we pray together. Sometimes Annabelle asks incredibly thoughtful questions. Josie giggles to herself and talks about the wildest things. And Emmie snuggles. I lost control of bedtime routines but I gained some very cherished memories.
3. I have officially lost control of clothing choices.
This one was hard to give up for me. I fought Annabelle pretty hard. But then Josie.
I just didn't have it in me to do it all over again. Sure, I make it to about 2 years old. And then it starts to quickly shift and before I know it, all of my choices are Ew, no. Sometimes my kids walk out the house and I actually feel bad for them, you're lucky you don't go into school kid cause that's some fresh joke material you got on right there.. but I've given up control. I don't want the tears, the grumpy attitudes, the screaming, and the complaining.
Oh the complaining, it's enough to make a grown woman cry. Facts.
4. This one you guys are gonna judge me on. But it's ok, I only receive judgement from those of you who have 4 kids, everyone else, let me know once you're there.
Hygiene isn't like, the number one priority most days around here.
Don't get it twisted, 97% of the time teeth are brushed 2x daily. Don't be weird.
BUT, showers... Yeaaaah.. that's another story.
We have more of a "if I smell you, it's time" kind of rule around here. The little ones are definitely more scheduled since there are diapers and toddler wiping’s happening, but the oldies... They're go a few days. Not gonna lie. I want to feel some kind of way about it, but meh.
5. And the last thing I've lost control of is simply always being in control. My kids have seen me cry, they've listened to my frustrations, accept my apologies, know that I don't actually always have all the answers, and they help me when I'm stressed. Sometimes my toddler is going to die emotionally if she doesn't have a popsicle or has to wear shoes that are weather appropriate, or wants that and that and that and that, and so I give her some of those things when instead I should* say no and be more parental.
But the look on her face when she sits quietly enjoying her delicious little popsicle, that red stained smile as she hums her favorite tune.
Man, I'll take that over screaming choking tears. Any day.
Let me be clear. I am not advocating for anything other than for us to let kids have their choices sometimes. Let them pick things and decide things, and share their side of the discussion, maybe even win a few arguments. Because when they grow up and start making REALLY HARD choices and decisions, guess who they will go to, who they can trust to hear them out and who will respect that they too have good ideas and beautiful hearts.
My kids are so beautiful. I don't have to control them. Most of the time they're out here teaching me more lessons than I'm teaching them anyways.